Mike's 5 Second Movie, TV & Theatre Reviews!

THE STEPFORD WIVES (UCI Cardiff):

Men:

Women think too much. They are a threat to us all. Let’s scramble their brains.

(micro chips are inserted into women’s brains)

Women:
Oh no you don’t.

(the women’s brains are unscrambled and men do all the shopping)

THE END

6/10.



LIFE or SOMETHING LIKE IT (Blockbuster DVD):

Angelina Jolie

I am a stuck up little miss perfect news reporter with a big career ahead of her. Lets patronise this street preacher and put his theories to the test: Any predictions smelly? (wink wink)

Preacher

The score in the big game will be 32-20 and it will hail tomorrow. And you will die on Thursday.

Angelina Jolie

Well there you go folks another wacko. By the way I hate you Mr Cameraman and wouldn’t date you if you were the last man alive (dates him and SLEEPS with him).

Whilst in a bar the big game ends 32-20, then it hails…

Angelina Jolie

Oh my God I’ve wasted my life.

Gets shot in the street, dies, then is revived after several thousand bolts of electricity.

Angelina Jolie

I love you Mr Cameraman. Let’s be happy instead of being pretentious and stuck up.

Mr Cameraman

Speak for yourself.

THE END

5/10.



13 GOING ON 30 (UCI Cardiff):

Jennifer Garner (aged 13)

I hate being 13. I wish I was 30.

Fat boy (aged 13)

I love you just the way you are.

(magic dust falls on her and she wakes up aged 30)

Jennifer Garner (aged 30)

Oh my God I’m 30, and I hate it. I love the fat boy who is now cute.

Fat Boy (aged 30)

Do I know you?

Jennifer Garner (aged 30)

I hate being 30. I wish I was 13 again.

(changes back)

Jennifer Garner and Fat boy (both aged 13)

We love each other. Lets get married in 17 years time.

THE END

7/10.



GOSSIP (Five):

Three unknown actors spread rumours around the college campus about Kate Hudson and IT IS FUN.

Handsome Guy No.1

I’m gorgeous, everyone loves me and believes anything I say.

Kate Hudson

Hey, Handsome Guy no.2. You raped me.

Handsome Guy No.2

No I did not.

Kate Hudson

Hey Handsome Guy no.1, who played Cyclops in X-Men, I went out with you years ago. You raped me.

Handsome Guy (2)

No I didn’t. Oh bugger, yes I did didn’t I? Sorry about that. I also told everyone Handsome Guy no.2 raped you. Sorry. Everyone in the college now hates me.

(Nothing happens)

THE END

4/10.



THE HUMAN STAIN (DVD):

Anthony Hopkins

Would you believe it, I’m accused of racism despite being a black man myself.

Nicole Kidman

I’m a lunatic who does it all ways with older men.

Ed Harris (jealous ex husband)

Die bitch. Die old man.

(he runs them off the road and they die)

Gary Sinese (narrator and novelist)

I’ll make a fortune from this story.

THE END

4/10.



TWISTER (ITV2):

Two hours of special effects featuring flying cows and combine harvesters plus properties and crops being thrown into the air and destroyed. IT LOOKS GREAT AND YOU GO ‘WOW’.

Bill Paxton (former Tornado expert)

I invented a new system of measuring the velocities inside Tornados but I’m trying to divorce my insane obsessed wife and marry a whimpering doctor instead. I’m no longer interested in Tornados.

Helen Hunt (Tornado chaser and ex-wife)

I still love you.

Bill Paxton

Me too. The wedding’s off. Let’s set up a new Tornado chasing business.

THE END

7/10.



THE TERMINAL (UCI Cardiff):

Tom Hanks

I have the most convincing Russian-English accent yet even though I’m from a fictitious Eastern Bloc country.

(arrives at JFK Airport without a visa)

Airport Governor

Welcome commie, but because you have no visa and there is a war in your country you are stuck here until the war is over. You can’t leave The Terminal (get it?) and enjoy the wonderful fruits of this great country known as the United States of America. Annoying huh?

Tom Hanks

I am from Karkozhia.

Cath Zeta Jones

I am an air hostess who will do it with anyone who asks me.

Tom Hanks

I am from Karkozhia. I love you.

Cath Jones

I like you a bit, but I’m far too shallow to be with you and I’ve lost my Welsh accent. Ciao.

Tom Hanks

Sod this. I’m going home, war or not.

(goes home)

THE END

8/10.



WICKER PARK (UCI Cardiff):

Josh Harknett

I love you Lisa.

Lisa

I love you too, but I’m just going to leave for a second and thereafter avoid you for 12 months.

(she leaves the café and he doesn’t see her for 12 months)

Alex (female)

Why are you in my apartment you creep?

Josh

I’m looking for Lisa.

Alex

My name is Lisa, let’s make love.

(they make love)

Josh (sees the real Lisa)

Oi Alex, you’re not called Lisa at all. You liar.

Alex

Sorry, I just wanted uncommitted gorilla sex, and by the way I didn’t tell you Lisa is my best friend and I see her every day.

Josh sees Lisa at the Airport. They confirm their love for one another and everything is right in the World.

THE END

7/10.



21 GRAMS (Blockbuster DVD):

Sean Penn

I am a heavy smoker who just had a heart transplant. Pass us a fag.

Naomi Watts

You have my deceased husband’s heart. I love you.

Benicio El Toro the Bull

I loved Jesus, but now that he made me run over a husband and two kids I hate Jesus. I must die. (he doesn’t)

Sean Penn

Oops, I’ve shot myself in the heart. (dies)

THE END

Audience

???? No idea what it’s all supposed to mean but the acting was brilliant.

8/10.



WIMBLEDON (UCI Cardiff):

Paul Bettany:

I-I-I-I-I-I’m not Hugh Grant but I’m posh and I’m nice. And I play tennis.

Kirsten Dunst:

I’m a randy spoilt American brat ranked number 4 in the World. Lets shag. A lot.

(they shag. A lot)

Paul Bettany:

Golly, I’ve just won Wimbledon! That’s rather nice. Thanks love. Splendid.

THE END

7/10.



ALIENS (DVD Special Edition):

Ripley awakes from hyper sleep following her ordeal in Alien Part 1:

Ripley:

Don’t go there. There are nasty Aliens with acid blood living there.

Company representative:

Pleeease.

Ripley:

Ok. But no staring at me in my pants.

(goes back, walks around in PANTS, kills LOTS of Aliens this time, and then returns to hyper sleep)

THE END

8/10.



COLLATERAL (UCI Cardiff):

Tom Cruise

I want to play ‘The Terminator’.

Director

It's been done Tom.

Tom Cruise

I wanna I wanna I wanna I wanna.

Director

Ok there you go.

(Tom Cruise is ‘The Terminator’ in a remake of ‘The Terminator’.)

THE END

7/10.



OPEN WATER (UCI Cardiff):

Unknown actor

Darling, lets go scuba diving.

Unknown actress

Ok.

Unknown actor

Bollox. They’ve left us behind. Never mind someone will be along soon…

(NO-ONE comes along except for JELLYFISH and SHARKS)

Unknown actor

I wish we hadn’t gone scuba diving.

Unknown actress

I know. I wanted to go ski-ing…. Hellooo???…. Sod this….

THE END

Audience
(4½ minutes of silence and shock)

9/10.



CRUEL INTENTIONS (Five):

Sara Michelle Geller, aka Buffy, is a spoilt rich teenage brat who controls the school.

Sara Michelle Geller

I’m the sexiest teenage bitch ever despite never ever exposing my bits. You know you want me. You think you are such a love machine, but I bet you can’t shag that flowery virgin Reese Witherspoon. If you do, you can shag me any way shape or form and invite your friends if you like.

Sebastian (Reese Witherspoon’s hubby)

You’re on. No hang on. I love that virgin Reese Witherspoon. I don’t want to shag you any way shape or form. And my friends are gay.

(DIES tragically in a typical Hollywood collision with a car)

Reese Witherspoon

I loved him. Would have done it with him you know.

(She publishes his memoirs and in a DEFAMATORY WAY and without any thought to the potential legal consequences distributes free copies of ALL THE BAD THINGS he wrote about Sara Michelle Geller to everyone in the school)

Sara Michelle Geller

Everyone in school hates me. Worse still no-one will shag me. Not even the headmaster.

7/10.



CRUEL INTENTIONS 2 (Five):

Prequel to ‘Cruel Intentions’ which has all the potential for being a PIGS EAR but turns out to be REASONABLY GOOD.

Unknown actor playing Sebastian

I am charming and funny despite my lack of good looks.

Unknown actress playing Sara Michelle Geller

I am the same as Sara Michelle Geller in the first one, except you get to see my legs and my underwear.

Unknown actor playing Sebastian

I love the lesbo in Class B.

Unknown actress playing Sara Michelle Geller

I love the lesbo in Class B.

Unknown actor playing Sebastian & Unknown actress playing Sara Michelle Geller

(together) Are you thinking what I’m thinking? Lets play…

7/10.



NUTTY PROFESSOR (Five):

Eddie Murphy plays a fat professor who is MISERABLE AS SIN.

Fat Eddie Murphy

I want to be thin.

(invents a luminous weight loss potion and DRINKS IT)

Thin Eddie Murphy

I gotta lot a lerv to give. Ow.

(says lots of VULGAR stuff which is FUNNY)

Fat Eddie Murphy

I’m a right loud mouthed noisy annoying dickhead. I hate being Eddie Murphy. I want to be fat and intelligent again.

(changes back)

THE END

8/10.



NUTTY PROFESSOR II: THE KLUMPS (Five):

Sequel to “Nutty Professor”. Has all the potential to be a DOGS ARSE. Lives up to those expectations.

Fat Eddie Murphy

I am possessed by Eddie Murphy. I can’t get rid of him. How annoying. I will extract him from my DNA.

(He does. But NO LAUGHS this time round.)

THE END

3/10.



BRIDE & PREJUDICE (Odeon, Bridgend):

A rich American businessman visits India for the first time.

American Mr. Darcy

Indian girls are so easy. I’m so rich I could buy any one of them.

Indian girl

I hate arrogant Americans. But I can’t help myself.

(they get married after several episodes of spontaneous group dancing)

THE END

6/10.


ALFIE (Nantgarw Showcase):

Jude Law

Hi. I’m Alfie. I’m a loveable cheeky cockney living in a bedsit in New York. Let me tell you about my wonderful life of partying and pulling birds.

(demonstrates bird pulling prowess)

Jude Law

I’m free as a bird…. I’m the luckiest man alive…. I have no friends…. (sobs)
I’ve wasted my life.

8/10.



SHAUN OF THE DEAD (DVD):

Not possible to do a ‘Movie-A-Minute’ style review here so instead I’ll just say I was REALLY looking forward to this and, as with most heavily hyped movies, I was VERY DISAPPOINTED (sobs).

I thought it was well short on laughs (‘go on do your Clyde impression’ – please don’t) and the cheap jokes you could see coming a MILE OFF. Some scenes went on and on without anything happening, and worse still WITHOUT ANY LAUGHS. Ingenius idea short on ingenuity. An opportunity WASTED. GUTTED.

3/10.



CHITTY CHITTY BANG BANG (London Palladium):

A special mention for the theatrical performance of Chitty Chitty Bang Bang starring Jason Donovan live at The London Palladium.

You simply HAVE to see this live to appreciate the sheer magic and ingenuity that goes into the on-stage car. Magnificent. The most impressive thing I’ve ever seen on stage, including Dai in Amsterdam. However, to be frank it was difficult to hear what the cast was saying most of the time although we were up in the Gods.

Donovan’s whispering voice could hardly be heard and I personally thought he looked disinterested, lethargic and was going through the motions. In fact I thought he had a cold until he chatted to the audience about charity work after the final curtain, so apparently not. He was very weak in my view and lacked the stage presence and energy that maybe Gary Wilmot brought previously. A big disappointment.

If anything Christopher Biggins, the ‘Vulgarian Baron’ hell bent on stealing the car, was the star of the show. Surprisingly talented and actually very funny. Former Boyzone star Stephen Gately is hardly in it as the unrecognisable child catcher, and when he did appear he just spent most of the time screeching inaudibly as loud as he could. Wasted.

It also took a long time to get going. They spent a little too long explaining the relationship between Donovan, his two children and their grandfather (Tony Mortimer) instead of pressing on with the story, i.e. about re-constructing an old racing car which has a heart, and Donovan’s relationship with Truly Scrumptious – which just ‘happens’ at the end. You find that whilst all that is going on your mind wanders and the kids watching start to lose interest.

HOWEVER, when the car appears – each time to rapturous applause, cheering and wolf-whistling – everyone wakes up, has tears in their eyes and the show really takes off. The car totally steals the show and is absolutely fantastic. The audience is totally blown away as it magically floats over the top of them, twirling and spinning with the main cast on board. It makes the effort of surviving the boring bits well worth bearing. I want to see it again and again just for the car sequences! Truly…awesome!

The show gets an 8/10 from me purely for the effort made by the production crew. Using the copyrighted words of legendary monkey and top Western Mail football correspondent Paul Abbandonato (self acclaimed Welsh Sports Writer Genius of the World) – “Well done boys!”.



FINDING NEVERLAND (UCI Cardiff):

Johnny Depp

I am unsuccessful playwright who became successful because I wrote a play about your kids playing. It is called ‘Peter Pan’.

Kate Winslet (single mother of 4)

That’s nice.

(Peter Pan becomes a huge international hit. Winslet dies thus avoiding the need for complicated royalty payment paperwork. Phew!)

THE END

6/10.



THE MAGNIFICENT SEVEN (ITV3):

Mayor of a poor dusty old village

Mexican terrorists are threatening our poor dusty old village. Lets get some crack Americans in to get rid of them.

Americans

We will save you!

(After years of non-violent TENSION a huge FIGHT starts. Many INNOCENT village civilians die in the bloodshed. 50% of the crack Americans get killed DUE TO THEIR OWN INCOMPETENCE. Terrorists move on to somewhere else. Villagers turn against Americans.)

Villagers

Wish we hadn’t called in the Americans.

Audience

mmm, sounds familiar…

9/10.



THE FRIGHTENERS (Sci-Fi):

Michael J.Fox

I’m a phony psychic who sees dead people.

THE END

7/10.



THE HOUSE OF SAND AND FOG (Blockbuster DVD):

Lazy girl

I’m lazy. I never clean my house, get dressed nor open my post.

Bailiff

(knock knock) Out luv. You’re evicted. Should have read your post.

Lazy girl

No way. My father left me that house. It’s mine mine mine mine mine.

Iranian Colonel played by the magnificent Ben Kingsley

I will work my balls off to save up and buy the house of my dreams at a bargain auction price only for my life to be ruined by a couple of lazy psychotic racists who won’t let me and my family live in peace.

(everybody dies apart from the irresponsible lazy bitch who started it all)

THE END

7/10.



THE POLAR EXPRESS (UCI, Cardiff):

Scary-looking CGI kid

I don’t believe in Santa Clause.

CGI version of Tom Hanks

Aaaaaaall aboooooooaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrdddd!

(they ride a CGI Rollercoaster train to the North Pole and back)

Scary-looking CGI kid

I now believe in Santa Clause

THE END

7/10 (6 for the FANTASTIC graphics).



BACK TO THE FUTURE (Sci-Fi):

World Class family entertainment. Christopher Lloyd (‘Doc’) deserves an Oscar. Genius.

9/10.



JINGLE ALL THE WAY (ITV2):

Arnold Schwarzenegger

My kid needs a new toy for Xmas, but just how childish can I REALLY be?

Sinbad

No more childish than me.

Arnold Schwarzenegger

I’ll take that bet. Up and at them!

(lots of childish chases take place in busy shops and malls with high speed Xmas music playing in the background)

Sinbad

You win.

Arnold Schwarzenegger

(snorts and grins smugly and childishly)

THE END

3/10.



THE INCREDIBLES (Swansea UCI):

(X-Men in PIXAR form)

Audience

That Elasti-girl is a hot sexy bitch.

8/10.



CLOSER (Cardiff UCI):

Jude Law

I’m gorgeous. (long pauses, fluttering eyelashes and constant posing in front of camera)

Natalie Portman

I’m a stripper. (strips)

Julia Roberts

I’m a miserable sod. (takes photos of other miserable sods)

Clive Owen

Sex Sex Sex Sex Sex. Dirty vulgar filthy disgusting depraved disturbing SEX. (doctor, pervert and unlikely husband)

Audience

Cringe cringe cringe. Not sure I enjoyed that. Wish I hadn’t brought my partner (or mother) to see this…

4/10.


COUPLING: TV Series Four (DVD):

Stephen Moffat is a genius. He has such novel ideas and plays with scenes so cleverly it distinguishes this series from any other run of the mill sitcom – or dare I mention the word ‘soap’.

The script may not be as strong as previous series, and the new Oliver ‘craziness’ character is pretty lame, but Patrick’s lines are just genius and will have most men rolling. An hilarious caricature of the barbaric side of men.

The girls have their moments too though so there’s something to appease everybody.

Sadly the series is way too short at only 6 episodes and leaves you hanging on a bit. It wouldn’t have done any harm to simply tie everything up and start afresh with Series Five. There is plenty of scope for further character development, e.g. Steve as a father, Susan as a mother, the brooding conniving pair of Sally and Jane, Jeff’s long awaited return – and maybe Patrick becoming a father??? Food for thought!!!

Great show, great cast. More please!

If you haven’t seen it you MUST. Applies to every living being who has or has had a relationship.

9/10.



THE IMPORTANCE OF BEING EARNEST (DVD):

Colin Firth

I say old boy when I’m playing away I call myself Ernest. It’s a marvellous cover.

Rupert Everett

Good heavens old chap, really? When I’m playing away I call myself Bundy, but Ernest sounds much better. I may have a bash with that old bean.

Two lovely lay-deees

We are two lovely lay-deees. We like gentlemen who go by the name of Ernest.

Colin Firth
By perchance my name is Ernest.


Rupert Everett

By perchance my name is Ernest.

(the two lovely lay-deees find out neither are really called Ernest but are in fact Jack and Algy)

Two lovely lay-deees

We will marree you anyhows, despite being lay-deees.

THE END

Audience

Not a Classic really was it? And where the hell did the name Algy come from?

5/10.



LEMONY SNICKET’S SERIES OF UNFORTUNATE EVENTS (UCI Cardiff):

Lawyer (to two orphans)

Your parents are dead. You are rich.

Jim Carrey (Evil Count Olaf)

I’ll have some of that.

(Carrey over acts, over reacts, over acts, over reacts, over acts, over reacts, over acts… hammed up to the enth degree. Painful to watch. He eventually gets arrested and it ends. Phew.)

THE END

4/10.



CHASING AMY (DVD):

How many gay, lesbian and oral sex gags can we cram into 1½ hrs. Jason Lee – on your marks, get set, GO!!!

Audience

Answer: 1,432. Cringe.

6/10.



X-MEN (ITV2):

Wolverine

My name is Logan. I am a fighter. I am a survivor. I need help from no-one. Woof.

Jean-Luc Brainiac

Our arch enemy is a crack metal bender and you are full of metal.

Wolverine

I need yours and everybody else’ s help.

(everybody with superhuman powers helps and they succeed. For now…)

THE END

7/10.